I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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