Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
