i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
