News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
