your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
