i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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