I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
not ubering you a puppy
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