Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
