I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize