I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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