if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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