I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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