That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I cut my penus on the lid.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize