Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The air was thick with penises
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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