I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
