pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
