so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
