my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
