Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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