you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
