How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
