Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
