HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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