EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
