...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
