She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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