Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
