just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
