hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize