I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
