I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
