The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
