mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
