So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
