Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
