My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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