She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
it's like iHOP with fire
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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