i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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