I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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