I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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