Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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