Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
