I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
