she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
