Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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