And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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