i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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