An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Two words: blizzard sex
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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