....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
