You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
