so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
