that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
