it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
