My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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