dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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