I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
