dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
