Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
