Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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