Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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