I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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