8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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