Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
