when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize