Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
