i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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