his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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