Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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