overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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